Monday, Dec. 31, 2007

New years resolutions 2007 reviewed

1. To spend more quality time with my son (teach him to be a little more self sufficient, to sign him up for a sport, to improve on his reading and writing skills)

We live far from the city now it's been a little difficult juggling work and family so no signing up of sport just yet, though I'm really keen on signing the boy up for Scouts. We have improved Zac's reading and writing skills, which were far below average due to the teacher he had in year one, but that is now behind us.

2. To spend more quality time with Richard

I spend a lot more time with Richard but we seriously need a regular baby sitter once a fortnight. Now that money isn't so tight we might be able to arrange this in the budget.

3. To get the family outdoors every second weekend and visit new places, or some old ones

We have travelled a fair bit over the countryside this year, on our limited budget, but I'm hoping for even more travelling in the near future.

4. To make a smooth transition of moving from the old house to the new place and to have this place all packed up by the 7th of January.

I never want to move again and if I ever mover, I swear I will sell the house with the furniture included. Moving wasn't so bad but we did it in a weekend and three truckloads.

5. To take more photos and improve on their quality

Ive taken more photos this year but not sure if the quality has improved. With a new camera that might change now.

6. Bake more yummy treats.

Sadly the only thing I have baked this year has been a cheese, egg and bacon pie. I'm still interested in trying new dishes so who knows.

8. Start my own vegie garden

I haven't even worked out where my vegie patch is going yet. I keep changing the location according to how the back yard is going to be set up. I want an entertainment area but I don't like the idea of a vegie patch next to it. Once we get the yard more organised we shall see.

9. Get the Gemini back on the road ( I miss driving the ole girl.)

No real money to spend on the girl just yet and it would be so much easier with an actual shed instead of this lean to we have now. Another “we shall see.”

10. To update my journal more often than not

I talk so much these days that this is difficult not to do. Also I'm trying more quality entries than quanity.

11. To go on a real holiday

I've been around but I wouldn't class those as holidays. I'm going to aim for this one again in 2008.

12. To get another tattoo

I want to get two simple tattoos, one on each wrist, but this has stil evaded me. I need to do some research before I proceed any further.

Monday, Dec. 31, 2007

New camera, new photos

Santa brought me a camera for Christmas and I've been trying to find every opportunity to use it. It's amazing what a few more mega pixels will do when trying to capture a good picture. This is so damn awesome!

Sunday, Dec. 30, 2007

There is a line here

As a person who enjoys her privacy in the real world, I'm somewhat overly cautious of what I disclose here. It's fantastic that some people can be an open book however and leave absolutely nothing to the imagination by revealing everything about themselves - with photos included – to the general public. But as fantastic as that is, I still believe a line must be drawn somewhere. Only write in your unlocked, online journal about as much as you think you could handle if you parents were to find it and read it, is what I always say.

Now with that being said, I don't want to read journals that contain information about when your last pap smear was done and when your due for your next! Okay, so your comfortable with yourself and obviously your vagina and you figure people like to know these details but you are wrong!, wrong, wrong, wrong!. I don't even want to know when I have to get my next pap smear done let alone someone else's. After all, do you inform everyone on the net when you last suffered from a sexually transmitted disease? Yeah. I didn't think so. Have some dignity ladies and keep it to yourself.

Saturday, Dec. 22, 2007

Self Portrait

I don't photograph well so I do a lot of my photo editing through Photoshop. If you haven't noticed, half of my self portrait shots are in black & white because everyone looks good with the absence of colour, especially me.

Friday, Dec. 21, 2007

Reprieve

Unbeliveable.

K and myself are on speaking terms again.

I hate fighting with anyone but I most especially hate fighting with him. He is just so damn good at being angry at someone when he puts his mind to it and it's not nice being of the receiving end of his silence. So when he messaged me the other day, to wish me a happy birthday, I immediately responded with a short thankyou which he misinterpreted as me not wanting to talk to him anymore, so I told him that was not at all the case, that I was just trying to minimise the risk of me getting hurt again, if he decided to not communicate anymore and he realised what an ass he had been. Simple really. One of us had to be the grown up and we all know that girls are much more mature than boys so I waved the white flag first because I didn't want to spend the end of this year at odds with one another, not when we have spent countless years doing just that. We owe ourselves more than that and we aren't getting any younger.

He'll be going home for the holidays and he has asked me to message him whilst he is making the drive back.

You have no idea how relieved I feel that we have called this truce between us. Not many people effect me emotionally but when they are near and dear to the heart it makes it difficult to ignore.

Saturday, Dec. 08, 2007

When the wind changed direction

It's been almost two years now since my father passed away and you know what, it still hurts like a bitch.

Not because I regret anything left unsaid with my father but because even now I can still recall the sound of his voice. We spoke over the phone quite often after he moved to Tasmania because I wasn't in a position to afford an airfare down that way and he wasn't in any position to afford an airfare to where I lived. Besides he had Deb and the children to think about and Deb was often admitted to the hospital those days, after she would have one of her “episodes” because she failed to take her meds. It wasn't really viable for my father to leave the children in Deb's hands anyway, so the phone was our only means of communication over the distance.

Sometimes we would spend half the night talking on the phone. Dad would always have some project that he was working on and he loved talking about his many projects to anyone who would listen. A carpentar by trade he wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty and to create something out of wood or metal even. It gave him true joy when he created something new or brought an object back to life. When I went down for the funeral, upon entering the house I immediately took in the wooden coffee table in the lounge room, made of half a tree trunk that he had found lying in the forest somewhere. I still have the wooden egg he carved in his lathe, along with the shavings he told me to rub it in every now and again to keep the smell in the wood. Every now and again I'll pull it out from it's hiding place and I'll run my fingers over the smoothness of the wood. Even today it still holds the smell of the forest. The chest of drawers, another memento from my father before he left here and moved down south. It sits at the foot of the bed and I still use it and it still works perfectly well.

My love affair for wood is definitely a trait that has been passed down from my father.

I'ts good that I have some positive things to bring from this experience. It's just as well I have no regrets in that chapter of my life. Doesn't stop the pain associated with his death though. Doesn't erase the nightmare that was the funeral and the time that my brothers and I spent at the house and Deb decided to have an “episode” whilst we were there. I've never been able to deal with mentally ill people at the best of times and to have to deal with at a time when I was in mourning was a bit traumatic but we all got through it.

Even now it's hard to talk about his passing that day without getting choked up. Some of the details are fuzzy but some are not so much. His death put a lot of things into perspective for me and I changed the whole course of my world immediately afterward not wanting to waste another moment in unhappiness. And I was quite unhappy at the time, didn't even realise how much I was until I was faced with the idea of waking up tomorrow and doing what I was doing, another day. I hurt some people in the process but I believe I did what I thought was best for all parties concerned. No use living a lie.

I miss him though. Even now, after so long, I still miss him.

Saturday, Dec. 08, 2007

Internal warfare

Sometimes I feel like I am one step away from loosing it.

No prompting on anyone's part, I'll be overwhelmingly happy and laughing like there's no tomorrow and then wham - I'll just want to lash out at someone who is close to me. It's my own fault, ocassionally I'll give my thoughts free rein and most of these times I will always find the worst possible scenario that my brain can conjure up and I'll let it run it's course, or until I can't stand to see it anymore. What can I say? Some events have left their own set of scars on my soul and I can't help believing the worst of a situation rather than a better, more positive alternative. I'd like to believe that I am over them memories that have scarred me so, that I am stronger than them and that some day I will be free of them, but it doesn't stop them from rearing their ugly heads at random intervals through out my life. It's one of my qualities that I could really do without but it's a quality that will exisit until I can be more assure of myself.

We all have our own hurdles that we have to overcome after all and this is just one of my own.

It bothers me mostly because it can effect my present and my present is my family life, my relationship and work. It's not healthy letting the past effect what is happening presently and although the past has some influence on where we are now and who we becoming, can you imagine not being able to trust a person because of some person in your past abusing your trust? I should be more cautious than anything, I shouldn't be looking for a lie that doesn't exisit. Yet this doesn't stop my mind from wondering and creating something that may not exisit to begin with.

Some days it can be a huge struggle to just get through the day without loosing my cool, whilst other days I don't give my insecurities a second thought.

Saturday, Dec. 08, 2007

Colours in the sky

Wednesday, Dec. 05, 2007

Rain

I can smell the rain in the air and it's a refreshing change, after smelling cooked blood and tallow all day at work.

Did you ever play in the overflowing gutters or puddles after a good downpour? Did you ever ride your bike specifically through all the puddles you could find in your neighbourhood? As an only female child in my family, I was often left to my own devices. Each day I had find ways to amuse myself, without of course pestering my brothers or following them around, so whenever it rained, I never held back and just threw myself out in it.

I remember donning on my warmest pieces of clothing at the first sign of dark skies, before making my way outside to kick my bare feet in the gutters. When I grew bored with kicking the water around - whilst dancing around in circles, arms thrown up in merriment – I'd then turn my attention to racing fallen tree leaves downstream and building myself a damn to see if I could indeed prevent the water from going down the storm water drain.

My mother would always lecture me on being “completely soaked through”, when she managed to track me down to call me in for dinner. She'd shake her head at me in disappointing yet worringly way whilst my father would smile and shrug his shoulders in that “Kids will be kids.” kind of way. After all he was a big kid himself and didn't mind participating in water fights, even at the tender age of 40. A little water never hurt no-one was his sentiment.

These days however I'm a bit more subdued and although I do find myself in the rain, whenever it may so bless us with it's presence, I more or less restrict myself to a little kick at a puddle here and there, mostly when it's aimed in someone else's direction. But I love it non the less. Love the smell of it, the sound of it hitting the tin roof and watching it change the landscape outside my bedroom window.

Saturday, December. 01, 2007

Road Rage

On a good day, I'm a demon on the road.

I can't stand tailgaters – because I will slam on the brakes if you sit too close – and I can't stand people who cut in front of me – give me some indication you want to change lanes and I'll allow you to pass unharmed – but I'm mostly a demon because I'm not afraid to hang my arm out the window and give the birdy when it's absolutely necessary.